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Friends United Meeting |
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January/February 2004
Raising Quaker Children in the Modern World:
A Survey of Changing Religious Practices in Friends Families
Raising Quaker Children in the Modern World:
A Survey of Changing Religious Practices in Friends Families
By Roger Dreisbach-Williams
The modern world has brought profound changes. In the midst of all this change and noise the Religious Society of Friends has long borne witness to the eternal meaning of stillness, simplicity and openness to God's leading, the presence and Lordship of Christ Jesus. How has the Society fared? In particular, how have the religious practices within Friends families been affected by all of the changes in the world around them?
I prepared a simple questionnaire asking: What has been the nature of religious practice in your home, including spoken and silent grace at meals, group and individual prayer, Bible reading/study, worship and attendance at meeting? How have these practices changed over the generations? What have been your experiences as a child? A parent? A grandparent? If these practices have changed, why? How do you feel about the changes? What have you learned? What would/are you recommending to parents and young adults today? As a matter of context: How old are you? What is your gender? What is your Meeting/primary religious community?
Seventy-three people responded to the survey of whom 69 were the children of Friends (all questionnaires were answered by someone who was in at least a four-generation Quaker family). The responses came mainly from Philadelphia Yearly Meeting with a few from Ohio, New York, Baltimore and Lake Erie Yearly Meetings. Of the 69, 46 (68%) said that there had been change. At the same time, 42 (62%) said that there had been no change or that at least "Quaker Values/Way of Life" had not changed. Even among those who said there had been a change, a substantial number felt that it was a positive development.
It may be that the somewhat laissez-faire approach of many parents contributes to the next generation's fall from grace. But from my own observation of Quaker families, I find it hard to correlate parental zeal with next-generation piety.
Among those who said that there was change, 70% cited less activity among the young. The increasing pace of life may be one of the reasons for young Friends not staying involved in meeting. It was cited directly by eight of the respondents.
More than 44% cited the Bible as part of their religious practice, and a quarter of them cited less use of the Bible in meeting and family life today as a significant change.
The wider culture has preached the doctrine of individualism which fits with the maxim that "there is that of God in everyone." The Religious Society of Friends was formed "as a people gathered." The move from corporate to individual responsibility lies just beneath the surface of many responses — it was specifically cited by five. "Among many Friends, I sense the meeting for worship is viewed from the perspective of 'what does it do for me' rather than from the perspective of worshiping God."
While teaching by precept and example is agreed to be the primary and best way of education, many respondents felt the silent tradition is essentially flawed, that in today's world you have to be able to explain yourself and tell your story to others. "We have changed because we felt our children and grandchildren need to hear more of the Gospel of Jesus Christ and see us committed to that. We feel the silent witness of our ancestors is not enough for the current generations. I believe that it is really essential for families to really come into an experiential faith and relationship with God, learning to know him through prayer and Bible study and sharing together of spiritual experiences."
"The old tradition of expecting osmosis to carry a vital faith from one generation to the next will not work. One of our favorite family stories is of our learning from our two-year-old that religious instruction didn't happen by osmosis. He told us that he thought silent grace was to cool the food."
Many eastern Friends have trouble talking about their faith and consequently the language of faith is being lost. "Convinced Friends [are] more devout than many of Birthright types. [This is a] problem of Quaker culture vs. Friends Faith & Practice."
There may have been changes and our children may not be going to meeting or taking their children to First-day school, but 28% of the respondents, almost as many as said that there had been no change, said that "Quaker Values" and/or "way of life" was being retained and passed on to the next generation.
After reading and analyzing all of the responses plus the comments of respected Friends during the course of this project there is one last question:
What have I learned?
After absorbing all of this material and prayerfully considering its import, what do I conclude? Osmosis doesn't work. Adults must both walk the walk and talk the talk. Children learn by who are and what we do rather than by what we say — faith is caught, not taught.
Still, the inability or unwillingness of adults to constructively answer children's questions about their faith experience has led to the children's losing interest in, and commitment to, the Society. In our concern that children know and understand other faiths, we have forgotten to teach them our own. So we have to start with who we are, what we care about, how we spend our time. This is what we will pass on to our children.
At the very least families should sit down together for one meal a day in the presence of the Lord. Young children should be put to bed by at least one parent (or other significant and consistent adult) with a time of reflection, love, hugs, prayer and a story. With children in bed and the lights out there is an opportunity (unless and until the child says, "No" at about age 10) for a parent to read the Bible aloud for their and the child's benefit. As children get older they will start to take on the responsibility of getting themselves into bed. Then the bedtime meetings to reflect on the events of the day and the meaning of life will become less frequent but deeper.
Regular family attendance and participation in a meeting community provides the village that is necessary to raise a child. Meetings need to affirm this and have occasions for adults and children to work and play together.
First-day schools can become a vital part of children's lives, particularly if they are not attending Friends' schools during the week. Children, and adolescents in particular, are under enormous pressure to conform with the wider world. They need a place in addition to and apart from their parents where it is safe to express and explore their feelings and frustrations, a place to heal and restore for the week to come. Meetings which provide this place will not only retain, but attract young people.
Music and being familiar with the Bible are important as preparation for worship. We are not the first to experience God's presence. Those who have experienced it before have expressed this experience in words and song that we should retain in our memory and pass on to our children.
Marriage is a commitment in faith and we need to counsel those contemplating marriage that this is not something that "will be worked out later." Clearness committees should seek through separate meetings with each individual, and probably a series of meetings, to know the depth and leanings of a couple's faith. The meeting should have literature for couples to read and consider as a faith-defining exercise during their courtship.
Television and other media need to be kept in perspective. As parents we can create space in our own lives and in those of our children for stillness, for being together in the Presence, for doing things together and alone that are not hurried or loud. We can discover for ourselves and teach our children what it means to have God as the center of our lives,* to live in the Light and the Life today and tomorrow.
*Family life cannot be centered on God if the parents' lives are not centered on God. We all need to come to terms with the Creator whether it is to occasionally touch base or to live constantly in the Presence. Children need to be aware of what their parents have learned/are learning, and parents need to question, discuss, and counsel their children as the children experience God's presence in their own lives.
Roger Dreisbach-Williams did this research and report while participating in the School of the Spirit Program on Becoming a Spiritual Nurturer during the winter of 1995-6. He is a member of the Rahway & Plainfield Monthly Meeting, New Jersey. He is married with two grown children.
Copyright (c) 2004 Friends United Meeting
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