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Friends United Meeting |
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December 1998
Headlines I'd Like To Read
By Johan Maurer
In the tradition of Mad Magazine's "Scenes We'd Like to See," here are some Christmas gifts I'd love to be presented by my newspaper:
Leader Frees Rebels
The leader of war-torn Generica announced today that the rebels who had recently tried to overthrow him were to be released and their death sentences annulled. "Killing one's enemies is so boring," explained Supreme Commander Strong. "All my fellow dictators are into executing their enemies. I woke up and realized one night that calling the rebels 'traitors' was actually an error. They tried to start a revolution because they thought it would improve the country. Well, I think they were wrong, but I admire them for trying," he concluded.
Meeting with leaders of the rebellion, Strong called for an urgent national conference for reconciliation, to be chaired by a representative of the United Nations Secretary General.
Winning Candidate Concedes Victory
In a surprise announcement, victorious Congressional candidate Sammy Smooth said he would not accept his victory, asking that his opponent be given the seat that he had won in the election.
"I won this election by impugning my opponent's truthfulness, family values and patriotism," Smooth said at a press conference. "As I was praying this morning, I realized that in fact I was bearing false witness against her. I took her comments out of context, chose the worst possible interpretations of her actions and concealed my own compromises, hoping you reporters would not dig them up."
Smooth said that he planned to review his political future after spending time at a church retreat center.
Evangelist Returns Donations
Well-known evangelist Victor Urgent told a surprised television audience last night that he actually had enough money to build his new studio and chapel, and that the contributions he had collected through his appeals in the last six months were not needed.
"I know I appeared before you with tears in my eyes and a catch in my voice, and you responded generously," he said. "But the truth is, I needed the money to fund my lavish lifestyle, and I can't do that any more. If I kept this money, I know that God would not bless this ministry."
He continued, "I want each of you to consider your own church first before you ever give me another cent. Are you supporting the work that God wants you to do in your own neighborhood? Are the wounded being healed, the hungry fed, the poor hearing the Good News? Do your young people see any reason to stay in the church? We have enough TV equipment here to last us for years; I want to use it to tell the story of what your churches are doing."
As the audience left, ushers handed back the donation envelopes that had been collected earlier.
After that story, perhaps you will forgive me for one final fantasy:
FUM Deficit Vanishes!
(A Quaker Life exclusive)
"Miracles still happen," said the delighted staff of Friends United Meeting after looking at the end-of-year financial report. After agonizing over a $130,000 deficit in the administrative budget at the end of the third quarter, they were amazed to find a year-end surplus of $2.49. Staff celebrated by buying an extra pack of 60-watt light bulbs.
Staffers credited local Friends and meetings, and the power of prayer, with making the difference. They said, "Letter after letter from these wonderful Friends said something like this: 'We know you are trying to do a better job and that the program is expanding rapidly and needs to be administered carefully. God has blessed us this year and we want to share part of that blessing with Friends everywhere through FUM.'"
You read it here first. Merry Christmas!
Johan Maurer is general secretary of Friends United Meeting and editor of Quaker Life.
Copyright (c) 1998 Friends United Meeting
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